There are some things in life that , at the time , you think you're never going to EVER get over.... That's how i feel , and how I've felt since loosing our little one in April . Many of you will already know what happened, but for those of you who don't i finally feel able to write this post.
April 24th 2012 started off the same as all the other days , except i was almost 18 weeks pregnant and off to the New Kids On The Block/ Backstreet boys concert at Manchester. I was quite excited too as i hadn't been able to get Take that tickets and this was the next best thing .
In the morning id had a popping in my tummy but thought nowt of it , as every expectant Mum knows little twinges and funny feelings are quite normal.
As the day went on i had the usual aches and pains and a bit of backache but nothing too different than every other day , then on one of my many visits to the loo i saw the tiniest amount of blood. To be honest anyone else wouldn't have noticed it , it was only that i'd been paranoid as i'd had bleeding quite a bit and i'd lost a baby in October 2011, that i had even oticed such a small amount. I was a little concerned but regular readers will know id had bleeding throughout the pregnancy so thought it would be a similar thing.
We enjoyed the concert and once home i got my little fetal doppler out and tried to find baby's heartbeat . After a hour or so of trying and with time ticking on we gave up and decided to try first thing in the morning .
The alarm went off at 6am and me and Chris tried for 45 minutes to hear something .....anything ! only hearing my heartbeat Chris urged me to go to the hospital , but as it was Bradley's 13th Birthday and in the back of my mind i figured it wasn't going to be good news i tried to put it off and went to my Mums . My Mum talked me round trying to reassure me that maybe baby was lied in a funny position and i'd feel better once the midwife had checked me over , so off to St Mary's Emergency Gynae unit once again.
I filled in the usual form and waited my turn , the midwife called me through and i explained that I'd had a funny popping sound and not felt baby but as I was only 18 weeks sometimes you don't always feel every movement the midwife went on to say .
I lyed there for what felt like hours while she tried every possible position and still nothing , telling me not to worry and that it was common to not always hear baby she arranged for a scan within the hour , At this point her face was telling me a whole different story . I walked back to the waiting room where my Mum was and told her i didn't think it looked good, then waited to be called through to the ultra sound room.
This was the 6th scan I'd had with the monkey and each time pretty quickly they turned the screen round and showed me everything was OK , but this time wasn't the same. She clicked buttons and was very quiet .. i asked if baby had died and she replied ' I'm so sorry , but i can't see a heartbeat . I'll call for a second opinion' i waited on the bed sobbing and another ultrasound technician came in and confirmed what the first had said. They asked if i wanted to see the screen and i said no. Thats one thing that really upsets me, that i didn't look !
I was taken to a side room where another midwife went through everything m saying baby measured the correct size and had only died within the last two days . I phoned Chris at work and he met us at the hospital. She went on to tell me I'd have to return the next day to have a tablet (mifepristone) which would block the pregnancy hormone in preparation for me to return 2 days later to be induced and deliver baby . I had to sign paperwork to say if i needed any operations they would be able to operate and was sent home with some leaflets.
Once home the tears came and the next two days went by in a daze. I don't actually know what happened in these two days and poor Bradley's 13th Birthday came and went . I feel so guilty about not being able to function properly on his birthday .
On the Saturday we arrived at 8.30am to be induced. By 9.30am id had my first lot of medication to induce baby but didn't really feel much pain until about 12.30 when i received my second lot of medication.
The pains were quite intense by tea time and poor Chris was looking rather scared as the pains progressed . I won't bore you with the medication induced quivering heap that was me ,but at 9.45pm i finally delivered baby. They gave me an injection to deliver the placenta but after a few hours there was no signs of it coming .
WARNING TOO MUCH INFORMATION
The next few hours were scary! The cord had detatched from the placenta and made a blockage in the cervix making some massive clots. Every time i moved or had an internal the doctor was called to 'clear' them. It was the most horrendous thing I've ever been through. Lyed down watching a doctor with a bedpan pulling clots the size of tennis balls and golf balls out and placing them into a dish . I was woozy and felt ill then i looked at Chris who was sat at the side of me and he was green! The midwife asked if we were OK , i was terrified but more concerned bout Chris. I bet they thought i'd was odd asking him if he was OK all the time. Inside i was was so worried, I actually text my mum telling her to tell the kids i loved them because i honestly thought i was going to bleed to death!
They took me to theatre to do a manual removal of the placenta which they said would take about 45 minutes but almost 2 hours later i was just arriving back . Chris looked worried and i was hooked up to a drip and exhausted .. Later that morning another doctor came to explain what had happened. The placenta had attached to my c-section scar tissue so much it was very difficult for them to remove. The doctor said that's what had taken so long and that's why i was loosing so much blood. They did some blood test but decided i didn't need a transfusion which i was glad about. My iron level was 10.2 so i was given some iron tablets , antibiotics and pain killers.
Around dinner time a midwife said i was allowed home if i wanted or because of the operation i could stay another day if I'd prefer. I told them id much rather go home and she asked if id like to see baby.
The photo came and i had a look , it just looked like a tiny baby . She explained that baby had a bit of swelling around the head due to what had happened, but to me baby looked perfect!
We asked to see baby and about 20 minutes later baby arrived in little basket with a little knitted blanket over him. ( i say him because we didn't want to know if baby was a girl or boy we just looked at him and he looked like a boy so that's what we call him)
The midwife left us alone for about 30 minutes while we took some photos and said our goodbyes.
We were then given information about the funeral ceremony which takes place at the end of each month for all the babies born from 14-24 weeks and are delivered in hospital. They do a joint service but then each baby is cremated separately so each set of parents get their own babies ashes to take away.
I didn't think i could face the ceremony so my Mum and Dad picked up our ashes and we laid them with My Grandma and Grandad.
The midwife explained that they don't do any test on baby but do test the placenta to see if there is any signs of infection or anything they can find that might have caused baby to die, they said if they find anything they will write to us , but up until now we've heard nothing. They also said that if we hear nothing to look at that as good news and that maybe its just 'one of them things' but i find that harder to accept. Id much rather them have found a reason, as maybe it could be treated. They also mentioned that when a baby dies so late on its usually something wrong with Mum like hormone levels, infection or immune system rather than something wrong with baby.
After our loss my arthritis has flared up majorly. Its and autoimmune condition and we were expecting it to flare after the birth as that usually happens. I think it maybe has been a little worse as Ive been ill since baby was delivered with severe anaemia. At one point i couldn't even walk into the next room without feeling dizzy and out of breath. My heart was pounding so loudly and when checked my iron level was 6.9 and should have been above 11.5.. I'm still taking iron tablets twice a day.
Ive been put on prednisolone steroid tablets, sulfasalazine and hydroxychloriquin to try and calm down my bones but with no effect so when we went to the rheumatologist last week she's scheduled me to go onto Enbrel too. I can continue taking all these up until conception but then will have to come off the Enbrel while pregnant.
It's been almost 4 months since our loss , our baby would have been due 30th September. I think we've both coped quite well but as our due date nears the sadness is slowly creeping back, and some nights tears are all i have.
Every day i think about our little one , but you have to look to the future and one day we WILL be taking home a healthy little baby .. Im sure ! :)